Posted by: Dr P | May 3, 2010

Dear John – The Unseen Letters

Billed as 2010’s most romantic love story, the movie follows the changing lives of John (Channing Tatum) and Savannah (Amanda Seyfried) who meet and fall in love after a whirlwind fortnight together. John, an army grunt, returns to the front lines and the duo then spend many years writing to each other and describing their changing lives. In a world exclusive, Dr P’s Film Reviews is proud to present previously-unseen letters and extracts from their correspondence.

Dear John,
My heart overflows with love for you! I cannot believe that I have fallen head over heels for you in just two short weeks. Every fibre of my being is yearning for you and I cannot bear that we are apart.
Ever yours, Savannah

Dear Savanna,
It’s great here in the army. We got guns and all kinds of stuff! Boom! I love blowing things up! And guess wot? The boys ‘ave given me my own packet of crayons so I can write to you every single day innit?
Respect, John

Dear John,
As the weeks have turned to months, I find myself gazing at the moon every night knowing that you gaze upon the same sky every night. Please don’t forget me.
All my love, Savannah

Dear Sav,
I mooned an Iraqi family yesterday! Was well funny. I’m missing you too! I even write your name every night in my alphabetti spaghetti!
Chow, John

Dear John,
Whilst I like your letters, I’m starting to think you might not be my intellectual equal. Can you send me something more challenging?
Love, Savannah

Dear Savvy,
Here’s a question from our army training manual. I hope you find it more of a challenge.
“If the Pentagon spends 850 trillion dollars on hi-tech kit, and 20 soldiers set off West in pursuit of the Taliban, how many of our own soldiers will we bomb?”
Yours, John
p.s. My drill sergeant says he wouldn’t mind giving you a good examination. I don’t know what he means.

Dear John,
I’m starting to think this isn’t going to work, and I’m going to go out and look for something new.
Regards, Savannah

Dear Savi,
Cor! Me and the lads can’t believe it! It was movie night at the camp and all of a sudden, there you were on screen! Singing and dancing! The only problem – you seem to have three dads? Are you a Mormon? On the plus side, I’ve managed to swap your photo for a dozen tins of alphabetti spaghetti! Fantastic!
Starstruck, John

Dear John,
Yes I’m a Mormon. That’s the same as you – give or take an ‘m’.
Bye, Savannah

Dear Savannah,
Me and the lads are havin’ a bit of a giggle about your last letter. There’s no such word as “mormomn”. Speaking of Mormons, I discovered this week that I was brought up by the lesbian couple of Stockard Channing and Tatum O’Neal. How about that? Anyway, don’t call *me* stupid, you’ve been writing to me for 7 years now … and you haven’t even asked me for a phone number! DUH!!!!!
Ardeeeowse, John

Dear John,
Has it got through to you, numbnuts, that in 7 years every letter has got to you even though I addressed them to “John the Thicko, US Army”? Goodbye for ever.


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