Posted by: Dr P | April 25, 2009

Outlander

It’s the 8th Century!
It’s Norway!
It’s very cold!
It’s a time for Vikings to rule the Northern Hemisphere!
There’s a massive ship crash!
But it’s not a water ship!
It’s a spaceship!
And one of the “outland” pilots survives!
And despite coming from another world, he looks like a man!
And can breathe our air!
But he’s not alone!
There’s a hideous monster on board!
And it’s escaped!
Into the woods!
And before the spaceman can find it, it’s killed an entire Viking clan!
Ooops!
The outlander is captured by another Viking!
And loses his space blaster!
He meets the clan king!
It’s John Hurt!
A fine British thesp in a silly movie about aliens and Vikings!
Sadly there are no ninjas or it would have been a hell of a story!
Hurt doesn’t get infected by any aliens!
So his stomach doesn’t burst out of his chest!
Well, not yet!
The Vikings think the other clan chief will think they killed the other clan!
Which they didn’t!
And who is going to believe a story about a space monster!
The other clan arrives!
They start killing!
The monster also turns up!
And also starts killing!
Everyone suddenly believes in the alien and is very scared!
And scarred!
The outlander hatches a plan to fight the monster!
But first there’s a big feast and he’s accepted into the clan!
And a local woman takes a shine to him!
Surprise!
Fortunately there are no pointy hats so I can’t make jokes about him getting horny!
The monster reappears and it’s bloomin scary!
They capture it – sort of – but it escapes!
And it has spawned a little monster!
Which is just as bad!
The film is actually quite serious and grown up!
With a good cast!
They track the monster down to its lair!
There’s a massive fight involving swords forged from spaceship armour!
Did I just say the film is serious?!
It still is!
Lots more happens, people die and things change!
The spaceman has to make a choice about his future!
He does!
It ends!

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