Posted by: Dr P | December 11, 2008

The Day the Earth Stood Still

The Day My Brain Stood Still.

Think of one of the biggest alien/disaster movies of all time, Independence Day. Well, this is Independence Day with bad effects, a dreadful plot, crap aliens, atrocious acting, no dog that miraculously survives, and … they couldn’t get Will Smith so they got his son instead!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In essence, it transpires that the Earth is one of a series of planets in the Universe capable of sustaining life, and there are some aliens out there who guard and protect these planets – mankind is in danger of tipping the balance towards planetary ruin, so the aliens step in and decide the only way forward is to rid the planet of its scourge i.e. humanity. Whilst that sounds rather thrilling in terms of the prospect of big battles, our forces desperately seeking a way to survive and battle the foe, it basically ends up being a chase movie with alien Keanu Reeves and his motley band of human accomplices running through a few woods etc. Utter bilge.

Keanu is utterly appalling, the rest of the cast aren’t much better, and one can only assume that the script was written during the writers’ strike by a couple of freelancers and some 4th grade schoolkids in the playground at break time.

Right at the end, when the big sphere thing lifts off from Central Park, the only thought running through my head was … “a massive ball’s up”. How true!

I can’t comment on this film any more otherwise I might start crying and writing in crayon all over the walls. It’s a bit like a disappointing car boot sale really, you turn up full of anticipation, rummage through endless actual boots, and then find that all the best bits are in the trailer.

Oh and there’s a new Orange advert with Dennis Hopper, which is even more disappointing, and only just about saved with the end line about the pilates class! Come on, guys, you could have done better!!!

The aliens – load of balls
Will Smith’s son – annoying
Will Smith’s son’s ears – not as cute as his dad’s
The miraculously surviving dog – didn’t even bother to turn up
Keanu Reeves in the Matrix – Woah!
Keanu Reeves in this film – Oh …
Trigger-happy US army – present
Trigger-happy US army 3 seconds after pressing the trigger – not present
Alien miniature locust cloud that eats absolutely everything – preposterous
The big dull robot guard thing – about as effective as a Chicago Rock doorman
Overall – please please please please no

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