Posted by: Dr P | October 11, 2008

Sex and the City

This review is going to be filled with the S word. No, not *that* S word, you filthy herberts! The “star” (I use the term advisedly) of the movie is one Sarah Jessica Parker, aka SJP. Quite rightly voted the celebrity that least men fancy, she looks like a cocker spaniel. So this review will be all about the spaniel. Joining her in the kennel are fellow characters Miranda, who is hideously unattractive, the stunning Charlotte (the one redeeming feature of the quartet), and Samantha, the sex-crazed late fortysomething.

Now it may come as a shock to those who didn’t watch the series, but the main premise of Samantha’s character is that she’s a middle aged woman who fantasises about – and often gets – younger men. Is it just me, or is that actually the case for all middle aged women? Nothing new there then. I have a small confession; in 1984 I quite fancied her when she was in Police Academy. 24 years later, nope. She’s hideous.

But not as hideous as Spaniel girl. I really, really don’t like her. Can you tell? Anyway, we managed to get into a teatime showing of the film, which was quite amusing in itself, as the cinema was virtually empty. Reports have filtered in that most screenings of this movie are filled with huge groups of women, but here it was probably about 4 couples … until right before the film started when *he* arrived! Yes! Dirty mac man! Some random fella of about 55, in an overcoat, and with a bad cough. Hmmm.

So onto the film, and we pick up our quartet of girls as they progress with their lives. Spaniel girl is still with “Mr Big” and they’re buying their first place together, Charlotte has adopted a baby girl and is still happily married, Miranda and Steve are stuck in a rut, and Samantha is in Hollywood with her first long term boyfriend, Smith.

There then follows 2 hours and 25 minutes of absolute dross, as they fight, shop, make up, fall out, shop, have kids, don’t have kids, shop, get jilted, get back together, buy more shoes, give New York women a generally awful name, shop, fight, colour their hair, and party. It really is just like an extended version of the TV series, but with far less humour. There are some good bits, I grant you, but they’re few and far between. Having said that, I probably enjoyed it more than I expected.

There is a particularly good side story involving Samantha’s new next door neighbour in Hollywood, who is basically the male version of her from the series – a new woman every night, lots of lewd behaviour, most of it outside where she can watch! For some unimaginable reason, I then got an almost unshakeable image of my own next door neighbour, Big G – our own real life Mr Big! I am not sure I’ll ever be able to go to a film with him again after that.

Mr Voice, the wonderful Paul Ayres, recently introduced me to a cracking website called “four word film reviews” (www.fwfr.com). As an example, Lord of the Rings is described as “Midgets attempt jewellery destruction”. It’s ace. So let’s see what we can come up with for Sex and the City (there are already some corkers on that site). My own entry, based on my feelings, is:

Big Letdown for Spaniel

Geddit?

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to add your own to this review! Go on, I dare you. After the stunning lack of uptake on my last review, where I challenged you to complete the caption “Hope has a New Face …” I sincerely hope at least one of you can muster up the gumption to pen something.

Oh yeah, at one point, Cocker Spaniel dyes her hair dark in a bid to change her image. The only problem is that she still has the same style, the same clothes, the same bags and the same shoes. So, duh. And she still looks like she’s been dragged out of her kennel backwards.

The highlight of the movie? Apart from the end (no I mean when it finished, not the ending), the best bit was when the dirty old raincoat man let rip with the loudest fart in history. I think it summed the film up perfectly!

I then decided to go to Burger King and met Bury’s thickest woman behind the serving counter. In actual fact she was probably Manchester’s thickest. No actually she was the thickest person in the world. Ever. You’ve never seen anything like it!

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