Posted by: Dr P | February 11, 2008

We Own the Night

It’s a wet Sunday night in Bury and what else is there to do but partake of a cinematic treat? I’ll tell you what else there is! Darts! After the shock of my beloved Phil Taylor’s early demise from the World Championships last week, I took up the arrows again in earnest. Before heading out tonight I thought I’d chuck a few 22g tungsten-nickel spears, and sure enough, a bounce out … right into my foot. I was hopping mad. Quite literally.

So I limped off to the cinema feeling rather foolish. And actually rather sore.

Now regular readers of this august journal will note I am normally accompanied to the movies by my erstwhile neighbour Gareth. Big G. He’s the Watson to my Holmes, the Merry to my Pippin, the Alka, if you’ll forgive me, to my Selzer. He adds the fizz! However it was a solitary expedition tonight. A Captain Oats, but without the needless suicide.

Now, I’ve been excited about this film for quite some time. Not only does it feature a stellar cast – “Marky” Mark Wahlberg, Robert “Robert” Duvall, and Joacquin “One out for the team” Phoenix, it allegedly features the first ever sex scene from Eva Mendes, the Latino temptress hotting up screens everywhere. I imagined the prospect of Ms Mendes’ bounteous charms might be enough to tempt out even the most hardened (ahem) cynic, but as it turned out, the only hardened person out tonight was me. That’s right, I had the cinema to myself. Now on the one hand, this is great, a bit like having a 30 foot screen in your living room, with cupholders everywhere. On the down side, you can’t people watch (without a mirror) and if you leave litter behind, the cleaners know who to blame.

The adverts were pretty uneventful and then there was the joy of the trailer for Alien vs Predator – Requiem. Immense fun featuring lots of wholesome Americans getting brutally slaughtered by the warring extraterrestrials. Lovely. And there was some other gubbins as well. Sadly still no new Orange advert, it’s still the Macauley Culkin “Insane! That’s like kid talk for ‘Cool'” one, which is excellent nonetheless.

And so onto the feature, and had I actually just gone along to see the aforementioned Mendes charms, I could have left after a minute, as they were on full display in a rather graphic opening scene which was decidely unnecessary … particularly the bit where Joacquin … no, no, you’ll just have to go see for yourselves. I bet he wanted to do more than 1 take however!

“what’s that, my head was at the wrong angle? Damn!”

OK, so the premise is this. Marky Mark has graduated from selling underpants and is now a police bigwig. Though not as big a wig as his Dad, Bobby D, who is chief of the NYPD (motto: “we own the night”! Aha!). Joacquin, by contrast, is Marky’s brother but is operating on decidedly the other side of the tracks, running a top nightclub where the drink, sex and drugs all flow freely. Mostly from Ms Mendes actually.

There’s some dodgy Russians at the club, and despite being warned by Marky that he’ll show up in his undies unless he cleans them out, Joacquin lets them carry on dealing. Cue big police raid. Cue Russians arrested. Cue a bizarre scene in which ‘Joacquin one out for the team’ gets a piece of charcoal in his mouth. Those wacky cops eh?

Anyway cue lots of vengeance, shootings, killings and Joacquin joining the good guys to avenge certain events which play out. It’s all jolly good, sinister fun, which allows the three leads to show off their ample acting credentials and Eva to show off her ample legs, chest, and pout.

A very good film, albeit with some dark moments, and one I recommend utterly, even if you’ve just shot yourself in the foot with a 6 inch metal implement.

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